Has anyone else noticed..

That the TSA at LAX started looking like movie extras/Top Flight a few months back? I mean sooped up uniforms, podiums with printed out seals (yes printed, up close the details are blurry) and super cool blue lights to look at your id....yet in still I get through security with all the same shit I did before.

So are the new fancy additions supposed to appease people's eye? "We look official therefore we are"? Seems like hogwash...and a lot of extra time to the gate. I still don't understand why I have to take my shoes off....

I just don't understand...

How people don't smell FUNK...

How does this happen??? No I am not a flipping X-MEN character with extrasensory smells. In the words of Jamie Foxx "No muddafucka it's YOU".

Take a certain individual I know who can live with mold and not even flinch. Not to mention the funk that was living in their wash cloth that was so bad, every time they showered it smelled SO ridiculous in and outside the bathroom that it was one of those snatch you nostrils and throw you on the ground smells.

My friend F. once encountered it. She attributed it to the opposite sex, "Oh yeah my brother smells like that." However, even the messiest of my male friends do not carry this odor so I can not go with this argument.

So what is it? Is it just different pheromones and people get used to it over the years? And how do the people attracted to them not smell it or is it a toleration or acceptance? Because for the rest of us this is JUST not fair....WE SHARE THE SAME AIR!

Have you ever wanted to ask someone...

....are you really this stupid?

Have you ever encountered someone who brings new meaning to "common sense is not very common"? I mean they say or do things that make you blatantly want to ask are you doing this on purpose for human attention to your shortcomings? 

I have a couple of people like that in my life who, as patient as I try to be, I just want to place a dunce cap on and send them to Nanny 911 for basic training. Sometimes they can't even grasp HYGIENE! Get it together?!!! What's even worse is these people are usually placed in managerial positions when they are in NO position to put other peoples lives in order. I just don't get it.

They've gotten degrees, have never proven to be "touched" lol, they are just genuinely dumb. Any suggestions on how to deal with these folks?

Planes, trains and automobiles..

Don't you hate it when you're on a plane and the person who is seated next to you has the inability to sleep against the seat. They're nodding every which way and it's even worse if they are overweight because you're confined to less than half of your seat and the fear of a potential drool encounter. Let me introduce you to Mohammed Amiri (Pictured left and No I'm not stereotyping, that is what his boarding pass said!).

Mr. Amiri spent an entire 2/3s of my flight to LA falling on my shoulder, overflowing from his chair into mine so much so that at one point I think my iPod got stuck in his arm flap while my leg definitely got caught under his thigh-sides. I wanted to switch seats with him so he could have an anchor against the window but I figured scrunching my body in fetal position against it was the only option I had left because Marla to his right (no that's not her name) was twice his size. 

When the flight switched in Phoenix, I was introduced to Delores (not her name either only riding with Mohammed). Now Delores was fun for like...two minutes. She smelled of alcohol left in red plastic cups after a new years eve party, tanning oil and Designer Impostor Subparfume. 

She was one of those alchys that has to talk to matter what you're doing in between pulling mini Jack D bottles from her black leather fanny pack. I stopped counting at 3, it was an hour long flight. At one point she even did the elbow nudge, proceeded to motion for me to take of my earphones and then started talking about how a hurricane hit Phoenix the night before and she was hoping she had tied up her outdoor speakers properly (which she likes to listen to CSI on out by the pool...no not watch listen, and drink JD). When I offered that, "Yes global warming is crazy, there was a tornado in New York including some hail." She retorted "No but hail and hurricanes in Phoenix?! That's crazy." ....::staring blankly:: Because New York has such a long history of TORNADOES. Mmmk. 

After she harassed the other man in our aisle from his Koontz novel and stole the peanuts we didn't want (she said she never knew when she would end up on an island so she always hoards the nuts!), she fanatically began flipping the pages of a reader's digest. I mean flipping in the most literal form of the word, not even long enough on a page to look at a picture much less read a word. At this point I closed my eyes to avoid anymore shenannies only to awake to the best Delores moment ever:

Delores as we land: Oh wow look there's the Proud Bird. I used to go there all the time when I lived here 20 years ago for happy hour it was so much fun!

Me: Oh really sounds fun.

Delores: Yeah but we went a few years ago and it was so different. It was a black crowd and I was so surprised because when I used to go it was different. There were all aviation companies around here but now the crowd was all black.

Me: Welp, there goes the neighborhood!

Delores: No no not like that, it just wasn't the type of happy hour we were looking for.

*Note to self: Black crowd="Different" lol

Don't you hate it when....

You're really f***ed up at a shindig and some blast from the past wants to catch up with you right in the middle of the flashing lights? For one, sometimes you vaguely remember why you lost contact in the first place and then it's that awkward, "Where ya been?" "Um in my skin?". Sometimes it comes flooding back like a monsoon and it's that immediate, "Oh shit!" Where you try to duck and cover but usually you've already been spotted so you jump to the old nod and grin til its over. It's always slightly hilarious to me because it's obvious you're intoxicated/drunk/high/ALL of the above and people truly expect you to pull it together and talk about life...LOUDER THAN THE SPEAKERS. I mean what do you want me to say dude? The phone works both ways so when they proceed to ask why they haven't talked to me I honestly just wanna say, Because you don't call. Plain and simple. Then there's always that one who just keeeeeeeps talking regardless of you just throwing your hands in the air and yelling, "This is my soooooong!" in an effort to make them back up and back off. I don't understand this phenomenon, people don't take the time to keep in touch, we're too busy we can't even talk on the phone anymore (text me bi*ch) and yet you want to engage in a 2 minute interval that catches up on 10 months or more? It's miss a day, miss a lot over here like Days of Our Lives so I couldn't possibly and also I'm so gone right now I can't tell if the street light is merely glowing or a festival of fire flies have come to join the fun on top of balancing in these heels. Call it the roaring 20's of our lives or perhaps the youthful attention span but save that for a lunch or email. The club is for shakin a tail feather and guzzlin moonshine.