I didn't hear this myself..

BUT I WISH I HAD! See one of my goals with this site is to make people laugh in even the slightest bit even if you're laughing at me (honestly I have like no humiliation factor). We take ourselves too seriously and if there's one thing I've learned through everything, you gotta laugh everyday to get through life! Enjoy!

Hippie to doorman: I know this is a weird question, but is there an office in this building called "Planet Hemp"?
Doorman: Nah man, sorry. (under his breath, as hippie turns and walks away) I fucking wish there was.

(Heard on 23rd and Park ave.)



(toddler in stroller gleefully tosses mangoes from display on floor)
Older brother: No! Stop it! (picks up mangoes as toddler keeps pushing them off display) Stop! We're not buying those!
(mom looks the other way)
Cashier: Ma'am, your child is dropping the mangoes.
Mom: I know.Cashier: But..Mom: I know, my son's rude.
Cashier: But the other customers...
Mom: He does this all the time, you should come to my house as see what he does.
(Heard on 96th and Park...see why I don't go uptown? lol jk)

Hippie woman: Ma'am, what did you just feed my dog?
Elderly woman: A treat.
Hippie woman: What was it? Was it meat?
Elderly woman: Well, not really, it was a sausage.
Hippie woman: What is wrong with you?! My dog is a vegetarian! What if he had a food allergy?!
Elderly woman: Right. Go away.
(Heard in Thompson park)


Guido father to daughter and her gay friend: He was a real cocksucker... (realizes gay friend might be offended) But you know...not in the, uh, bad way.
Gay friend: Oh, believe me, I've met plenty of bad cocksuckers.
(Heard on the LIRR)

Girl looking at abstract wall installation: Oh god. This is pure art. It really speaks to me.
Boy: What does it say?
Girl: (makes loud farting sound and walks away)
(Heard at the Time Warner Building)

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed because of an injured passenger.
Heavy-set African American lady: Is you serious? I'm a miss Flavor of Love!
(few minutes later)Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed because of an injured customer on the tracks.
Heavy-set African American lady: They better pick him up and get him off them tracks or I'm a miss Flavor of Love!
(few minutes later)Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, our train has collided with a customer on the tracks. We are waiting for the police to investigate. Please be patient.
Heavy-set African American lady: Good thing I got that TiVo...
(Heard on the Uptown 6 Train)

Screaming child: Mommy, I want to go home!
Disgruntled employee: You think you have problems?! Try graduating from art college in the middle of a recession! Then you can cry!
(Heard at the H&M store by my job lol)

Pampered Tribeca child #1: Daddy! Please!
Pampered Tribeca child #2: Daddy! Please can we have Mediterranean eggplant for dinner??
Nebbishy Tribeca dad: You know I can't eat that! It's a carb!
(Heard on 7th Ave)

Because this ALWAYS happens...
Large drunk black guy to black girl sitting down: Girl, you're so pretty, why are you frowning?Black girl sitting down: Do me a favor, get up out my face.
(two large Hispanic men get up to protect her)
Large drunk black guy: Okay, I'm done...but I love you.
(Heard on the Q Train)

And last but NOT least...
Chick about cute guy standing: So, his penis... Big, small, doody ball?
Queer: Umm... It's good...slightly larger than doody ball.
Chick: Oh...good.
(Heard on the L Train)