Planes, trains and automobiles..

Don't you hate it when you're on a plane and the person who is seated next to you has the inability to sleep against the seat. They're nodding every which way and it's even worse if they are overweight because you're confined to less than half of your seat and the fear of a potential drool encounter. Let me introduce you to Mohammed Amiri (Pictured left and No I'm not stereotyping, that is what his boarding pass said!).

Mr. Amiri spent an entire 2/3s of my flight to LA falling on my shoulder, overflowing from his chair into mine so much so that at one point I think my iPod got stuck in his arm flap while my leg definitely got caught under his thigh-sides. I wanted to switch seats with him so he could have an anchor against the window but I figured scrunching my body in fetal position against it was the only option I had left because Marla to his right (no that's not her name) was twice his size. 

When the flight switched in Phoenix, I was introduced to Delores (not her name either only riding with Mohammed). Now Delores was fun for like...two minutes. She smelled of alcohol left in red plastic cups after a new years eve party, tanning oil and Designer Impostor Subparfume. 

She was one of those alchys that has to talk to matter what you're doing in between pulling mini Jack D bottles from her black leather fanny pack. I stopped counting at 3, it was an hour long flight. At one point she even did the elbow nudge, proceeded to motion for me to take of my earphones and then started talking about how a hurricane hit Phoenix the night before and she was hoping she had tied up her outdoor speakers properly (which she likes to listen to CSI on out by the pool...no not watch listen, and drink JD). When I offered that, "Yes global warming is crazy, there was a tornado in New York including some hail." She retorted "No but hail and hurricanes in Phoenix?! That's crazy." ....::staring blankly:: Because New York has such a long history of TORNADOES. Mmmk. 

After she harassed the other man in our aisle from his Koontz novel and stole the peanuts we didn't want (she said she never knew when she would end up on an island so she always hoards the nuts!), she fanatically began flipping the pages of a reader's digest. I mean flipping in the most literal form of the word, not even long enough on a page to look at a picture much less read a word. At this point I closed my eyes to avoid anymore shenannies only to awake to the best Delores moment ever:

Delores as we land: Oh wow look there's the Proud Bird. I used to go there all the time when I lived here 20 years ago for happy hour it was so much fun!

Me: Oh really sounds fun.

Delores: Yeah but we went a few years ago and it was so different. It was a black crowd and I was so surprised because when I used to go it was different. There were all aviation companies around here but now the crowd was all black.

Me: Welp, there goes the neighborhood!

Delores: No no not like that, it just wasn't the type of happy hour we were looking for.

*Note to self: Black crowd="Different" lol